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Do we really know what we'd love?
When I tell folks that I change lives by “supporting people to create what they love”, I usually get something like, “but I don’t know what I would love?” I totally understand this feeling of ‘not knowing’ because that is exactly where I was 6 years ago. Today, I get the most joy from watching someone connect back to and do what they love most.
Despite all of my professional success, I knew I wanted more from life. I just didn't know what that was. A lot of my time was spent seeking the answer: going to self- development workshops, trying to ‘be the best version of me’. I was so fed up of nothing really changing. All I seemed to do was uncover more things I needed to work on. I was so tired of hearing ‘you do know what you want’ and ‘just follow your heart’ without any real guidance on HOW to connect to it.
Deep down we do know what we want, but we don’t allow ourselves to see it. We keep it buried. Unfortunately, just being told that ‘we do know it’ without understanding why we can’t see it, doesn't serve us to know any better!
We hide the truth of what we love from ourselves because we are trying to protect ourselves from pain. Over the years, when I’ve dug deep with myself and others, I’ve repeatedly seen three main reasons why we don’t know we want.
1. We don’t believe it’s possible for us to have it
Most people live in a paradigm where they create based on their circumstances and not what they would love. They put all the power into the circumstances: internal(we don’t think we are capable of creating what we love) or external (things outside of us that prevent us from creating). When we don’t believe that it is possible, our focus, time and energy is spent trying to fix ourselves and circumstances rather than owning and going for what we would love.
2. It doesn’t fit our image of what we should want
We may have been told over and over again what we should want (our parents, friends and society’s version of what success looks like). We may feel that what we want is not good enough or accepted enough. Essentially, we are not allowed to want it and fear the judgement of saying what we want. It becomes easier to not know what we want so we can avoid the judgement of others.
3. There would be negative consequences if we were to have it
We may believe we will lose what we have if we create something we want, or we are being ‘selfish’ and we will be judged. We may feel that we can’t ‘have it all’ so if we create one thing we will have to give up something else. It becomes easier to avoid what we want, to prevent guilt and pain.
As humans, we are hardwired to avoid pain. And who wants to feel the pain of owning, let alone expressing, what you would love when it feels impossible, there will be judgement for wanting it or to face consequences if you have it. When we are grappling with this inner turmoil, is it any wonder it’s simply easier to “not know” what we would love?
If all you’re trying to do in life is avoid pain, you will never be able to create what you truly love.
In the words of Joseph Campbell, “pain is inherent in life, suffering is optional". Of course, it’s painful when we fail, when something doesn't work, when we don’t think we can create something, when someone tells us that we are wrong. However, trying to avoid pain causes us to live limited lives. Suffering is when we allow that pain to mean something about us - that we are failures who will never be enough, etc.
Allowing pain into our lives, yet refusing to allow it to become suffering will allow us to blossom and create what we want in our lives.
It was when I let go of what I thought I should want (traditional success, high paid job, recognition, a fancy car, financial freedom and passive income), stopped trying to ‘fix’ myself, started listening to my Spirit and embraced creative tension that I started to uncover what brought me the most joy in life.
I encourage you to take a moment to:
Ask yourself – if you could wave a magic wand and have what you love (no guilt…no downside… it’s all possible … just for its own sake… for the pure joy of it…), what would that be?
Own it. Choose it for yourself - without needing to know how you will create it (The HOW)
Feel the tension - notice the disparity between what you want and what you have now. Notice what your rational mind starts to tell you! Notice all the stories it has for you about why it’s not possible, what circumstances stop you, what your limitations are, what bad things would happen if you had it, who would have to get hurt in the process. Be aware of the stories you tell yourself – as if they were real, without questioning their validity. Notice the feelings that arise within you. How you want to make yourself feel better? (your strategies for resolving tension)
Keep owning it anyway! Tension is necessary for creation. If you resolve your tension to feel better, you will continue along the same old pathways.
I am still discovering things I love and want in my life. Sometimes I still don’t allow myself to see what I would truly love because I don’t believe it’s possible. This is an ongoing process for all of us.
So, create a new habit of asking what you would love and owning the answer. Learn to appreciate the tension that arises. Take a breath and ask yourself frequently, in all different situations, “what would I love?”
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Creating Beyond Resistance
“There exists in the Universe a blind refractory force that denies the will of God”
– Plato
There is a premise that states, “resistance will try to prevent us from creating the things that we would love and anything that stands in the way of our creations, is resistance”.
Now, that doesn't mean it's a law or an indefatigable truth. To me, a premise is a hypothesis… an idea about the way things work. If the premise is applied in our lives, and we can create more effortlessly, GREAT. If the premise does not serve in creating what we would love, then it is time to adopt a new premise!
I like this premise of ‘everything that stops us from going for what we love is resistance’ because then if something happens to take us off track we don't see it as a sign that we shouldn't be going for the things that we love. We just recognize whatever is happening as resistance that our ego is putting in place to try and protect us. We have a choice to buy into the resistance or say “not today, you don’t get to kick my butt today”. Or for the GOT fans, ‘what do we say to the God of Resistance….not today!’
Why do we get resistance?
Our instinct, or ego, does whatever it can to keep us safe in the world. One of the ways it does this is through fear, uncertainty, and doubt – this is the resistance that stops us from creating what we would truly love. In trying to protect us, our ego comes up with a variety of ways to stop us in the tracks of creation.
If we define resistance as ‘anything that stands in the way of creating what we would love’, we will see that it can show up internally or externally.
§ Internal Resistance: what happens in the moment
Our instinct often provides thoughts and feelings that prevent us from taking a step forward toward what we would love. These thoughts and feelings foster emotions that drive our actions. These ego-driven actions further support our resistance. Resistance can often play out as a vicious cycle of procrastination and time spent on inessential activity.
In the moment resistance is sneaky, often we don’t even realize it is happening. How often do you find yourself sucked into hours of Facebook scrolling instead of taking action to serve your end result? I know that I had to address my own resistance to finish this article for the membership!
§ Internal Resistance: Setting yourself up for failure
Resistance often plays a long game: leaving something to the last minute and ending up with a problem.
I remember a situation where a client ran into her own resistance long game. I was hosting a retreat that my client had on her calendar for months. The morning of the retreat, she realized that she had not got new tires for her car. This errand had been on her list for a long time but was never addressed. When she arrived at the garage, she learned that there was not enough time for the tires to be changed and her tires were too bald to make the trip to the retreat.
It seems like these things ‘just happen’ or are bad luck. But our ego is sneaky and will often set us up to miss out on what will serve us to create.
§ External Resistance: outside events
External resistance is a little harder to recognize. It includes things that we seemingly have no control over yet show up when we are going for what we love.
“My child always gets sick before I leave for a trip…”
“I can’t go to the class because I have a migraine…”
“I was late to that interview because of traffic…”
“I repel technology. My internet crapped out right before my meeting with a new prospect…”
In fact, I've run four new membership orientations over the past few weeks. During every session, when we started sharing what resistance we had to the membership, my internet died and I got kicked off the call.
What a great example of how external resistance can play out.
How to Overcome Resistance: recognize and name in the moment!
Treat anything that is stopping you from creating what you would love as resistance.
Name what you are resisting (why are you resisting getting on the call with your new prospect or making it to the retreat).
Name what you are making that mean about you (powerless, not capable, etc.)
Reconnect with your vision, end result and emotion you feel in that space.
Simply ask: “what’s obvious from here” and take the obvious action
You’ll be surprised what may shift in the moment. In my experience, my internet kicked back in. Your next obvious action may be something that you can activate on in the moment or may be an insight that gets you back on your path in creating what you would love.
The most important thing is to not allow resistance to stop is from taking the next step forward in creation.
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Our desire to define
There is a survival impulse to our desire to define things. We believe that we will be safe when we know how things are because then we know how to respond. Imagine if we had to learn, over and over again that a fire is hot or a knife is sharp.
We take on definitions daily from many different sources.
The people in our lives - parents and teachers, co-workers and friends
Society in general – magazines, television
We also create them ourselves – from seeking meaning from experiences
However, not all definitions serve us. They become dangerous when we take them on unconsciously, without scrutinizing them for helpfulness. They are not necessarily an accurate reflection of ourselves or the world around us. We assume, though, that our definitions are a true reflection of reality and we then create our life so that our experience matches that definition.
Our definitions create our reality and experience of life
We define ourselves.
Imagine defining yourself as “not good at math(s)” and so “math(s) is hard”. When you have this definition how do you feel about the subject? How do you approach it? Maybe you spend less time on it, you assume you can’t do it because it’s hard and so you avoid it. This in turn leads to you not becoming proficient at math(s). When you have a test you will find it hard as you can’t answer the questions thus creating your definition.
We define something/someone
I worked with a client who was about to present their strategy to their senior leadership team. My client was hearing from presenters the previous day that the leadership team were “difficult and critical”.
When we looked at that definition how my client wanted to respond based on that definition it made them want to be proactively defensive and not listen to any feedback. When I asked them “if you were the leadership team how would you respond to someone who was defensive and didn’t listen to feedback” they said “I’d be annoyed and want to show them where they were wrong”. Sound ‘difficult and critical’? Everyone was creating their own experience of that leadership team based on their definition.
We define a situation
If we define an event as terrible and awful, that will be our experience of it. Our reality is based on our definition not on inherent truth. As Joseph Campbell is quoted as saying “Pain is inherent, suffering is optional”. Suffering comes about because of the definitions and meaning we place on our experience.
Imagine getting a flat tire. If you define that as ‘bad’ and ‘my day is ruined’. If this is our perspective, we will experience pain, annoyance and the “why me” mentality. The impacts of that will continue to be felt about the rest of the day. You go on to convince yourself that it is going to be “one of those days”. The kind of day where you should have simply stayed in bed. You’ll be frustrated and snappy and more ‘bad’ things will happen and the cycle perpetuates.
Don’t change your definitions!
“What” I hear you cry? If my definitions create my reality why don’t I simply change my definition of myself or of an event?
If only it were that simple. When we are focusing on changing our definitions we are still putting the power in the definitions and not what we are creating. We are buying into the fact that the definition is important, that it has the power. So, by trying to change the definition we are, in fact, putting more power in the unhelpful definitions.
Staring into your bathroom mirror each morning and reciting affirmations about how you want to be will not alter your fundamental definitions. Our subconscious mind receives the message we believe, not the message we wish to believe! It receives the message of how we behave not what we say.
For example: If you stand in the mirror reciting, “I feel pretty”, your subconscious mind looks at your behaviour: reading articles on how to make yourself more pretty with make-up, spending all of your disposable income on beauty aids and trying to convince yourself in front of the mirror and realizes “you don’t really believe this”,
These mantras simply reinforce the message we are trying to change and we are even more entrenched in the unhelpful definition.
So how do we shift?
Our focus creates our reality so we shift by moving our focus away from the definition and putting it on what we want to create, then allowing the next step to become obvious from there.
Imagine we are operating from a definition that going to the grocery store is a difficult, stressful experience. As a result, we dread going and put it off until we can’t do so any longer and then go when we are rushed and hungry. We are already in a bad mood and that’s what we are focused on so we forget our mask and have to go back and so it goes on with us saying to ourselves, “I knew it was going to be awful”.
Instead of operating from those definitions we can ask ourselves - what is my END RESULT of going to the grocery store? And don’t let yourself get away with “to get food” – go a bit higher than that – what does it truly serve? What do you want to create? What would you love?
Maybe it’s wanting to create delicious meals and happy dinner time memories with my family. The higher vibration of your end result is more powerful than your definitions and will propel you forward in creating what you would love, not trying to prove your definition correct.
You will find you have a different approach to your visit and everything will more effortless and fun:
You will naturally make healthier food choices
You’ll pick up less of what “you don’t need” and spend less
Your trip will be smoother and shorter
Or, what may become obvious to you from your end result is to have your groceries delivered!
Remember, we are either in the energy of creation or we are in the energy of proving our beliefs, assumptions and definitions. Awareness always is the first step. Choosing to be aware of when you’re operating from definitions will serve you in recognizing it, allowing you to shift into creating from your end result.
